You may say that I'm a dreamer...

One more to top it off.

2009-10-21T10:42:47Z

I'm going back to my roots, you know 5 entries a day. I really need to go to bed because I get be up really early.

Anyway, as I was about to move on from this site, this is what the "writer's block" thing asked on the Home page:

If you only had one day left to live, and you had the chance to tell one person from your past "I love you," who would it be? How about "I'm sorry"?

.....and it just got weirder. What are you telling me Universe?

2 entries in one day

2009-10-21T06:47:18Z

Wow this must be serious.

I'm not sure why I'm doing this to my self... going through old songs that bring me back, old everything...

But man, I haven't missed this much in a long time. Missing this much is weird. I mean I know what it is to miss people. I miss my parents every day but people... other people.

Damn you Elizabeth for making me go back!!!!

And I sit here, and I listen to songs, and then I open that folder and arrange it by date and then all of these other songs pop up... and they bring me back.

I don't know why I'm here. I know what I'm doing here. To experience my experience? What's purpose? The value?

I could stop analyzing and just be... but damn. I forgot how much this feels....

Oh, and of course, I turn on "The Luckiest".. I am torturing myself! I know better.

Damn you Elizabeth. Why can't you be straight and we get married? This wouldnt be happening right now. Or would it. That's not the point.

px @ 2009-10-20T20:45:00

2009-10-21T03:53:49Z

Wow. I've had a really weird week. Now I feel weird. Emotionally weird.

I used to feel like this all the time, now I don't... and when I do... I almost don't know what to do with myself. Which is a good thing, considering.

I've become this person that absorbs other people's energy. Especially when they are sad, heartbroken, etc. Maybe cuz I've been there and I can relate. I don't know. It's hard to shake off though, which is bugging me.

I love my family. Always have, always have. I always talk about how they make me whole even though I am already whole. But it's the concept. Yet they drove me crazy this weekend and I am still recovering from that.

Maybe it's cuz I am so busy, doing so much, playing my life 100% and yet I just want to take a nap... and yet I don't.

Like I said... weird. And my dreams, and my thoughts. They don't really wander there... they do... and they dont... but lately they have. And by "there" I mean... there. And I feel like the air is gone and yet I can feel my heart beat...cuz by going there, that's what it represents. A beating heart. Yet, the past makes it hard to breathe. I have let go of the past, but sometimes I am reminded.

Last night, I was with Elizabeth for most of the night. I Didn't get much sleep cuz I was busy putting her to sleep. I absorbed all of her tears and her energy. I think I needed to cuz she was so heartbroken... and if I took it in, it would get her to sleep. Anyway, she did and I didnt... and today I walkd around, tired and heavy. Like a heartbroken person would feel and I think she was fine. Haha. But she's the heartbroken person.

But that's what I do... I guess I've always done it... but the more I grow, the more I connect, the more I read energy, the more I am one with humanity...I absorb.

Wow, my career/life is going to be a doozy. I am going to need to learn when to cut off the strings. Yet for people in my life that I love and are my friends, like Elizabeth, I don't want to cut off the strings... but then I get a day like today.

And then I thought beer would solve the problem, but it didnt

I think I am rambling at this point.

All of the energy brought me back today. Brought me back to "there." A lot of my dreams were about Elizabeth and her situation... or my used to be situation. How I want it still. How I need to reach for it...

........

px @ 2009-07-21T00:05:00

2009-07-21T07:06:34Z

I'm so bored I almost feel like filling out one of those survey things. Me thinks it would be really boring though.

Blah

so..

2009-06-10T04:59:25Z

If the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return (by the way... is that you??)

Is the worst thing you'll ever learn is that packing is a bitch??? I HATE PACKING. I'm in Texas, visiting my aunt & uncle who are moving to California (uh, YAY). They were going to move in August and sell the house but they got an offer to lease so they took it and now have to be out by the 24th.

WTF? Who does that? Anyways, I love lending a helping hand but damn, packing a house is a bitch. I knew that cuz I've done it but seriously.

Anyways, an announcement to the universe... six months and I will officially have my Master's :) Another announcement, I am thinking about getting my second Master's. I know. But it's in "Spiritual Psychology" at the University of Santa Monica and it'll be radically different from all this head stuff I've being doing... and I'm really looking forward to it. Depending on the program, I might go for my Ph.D in it as well. This is the most excited about learning I've been in a while. And it's right up my alley as well as far as really working with people and life. In the meantime, I will be doing a lot of training and certification to become a life coach and teen trainer.

Oh, and I will fit visiting my family in NYC in there somewhere. and Poker.

Woo.

Over a year...

2009-05-13T05:01:53Z

I guess I'm growing up. And I don't mean grown-ups dont keep journals... I mean cuz I have not a whole lot to talk about... which is a good thing.

Today... I realized I've grown up... in a weird sort of way... my life isn't dramatic anymore and I've worked hard to get here. My past is the past and it feels good to have no energy on it. And yet sometimes when I look back, I feel it again. It all comes rushing back like it was yesterday. A lot of it hurt and one part was love. And i still feel that. and the cool thing is.. loving and being loved made realize so much more about life and people. I didn't realize that until recently. Like I'm capable of so much more... which I am putting into place as we speak, making my life mean something.

She will probably never see this and I would say thank you but I'm not sure it would mean anything which I dont know why that matters or should get in my way but anyway...

thank you. if only third weekend existed for the both of us at the same time.

Wow...

2008-05-10T09:27:43Z

So my first semester at grad school es coming to an end... I worked my butt off. I played a little more this semester too... I don't even remember what I did last year.. worked? I guess. It feels good to have a purpose (thank you captain obvious). But yes, 2008 has been kind to me. I'm leaving for NYC in 10 days for a week, coming back for three days, and then going to Texas for a week... much needed vacation for sure. May just started.. and I'm already thinking about the middle of June... and July will be really busy.. Anyway.. I'll be back in NYC for about 4 days over Labor Day weekend... I have to stop thinking THAT far ahead because summer will be over.

I used to live in suburbia and it was far from everything and I was surrounded by families and kids and I needed to be around "my own kind." I live in the valley now... and.. the good thing is, I am close to mostly everything and everyone... but it's the valley. I hate not being 15 min from the beach... and the freeways and traffic and blah. But such is life.

I also miss my parents.... I've been missing a lot of people lately. Not in a bad way.. just in.. a missing kind of way.

Cinco De Mayo is my favorite day... it should be a holiday. I took a shot with my future wife. She's actually not my future wife, and actually a big broadway star but dude. it was awesome.

Oh, I guess I was supposed to update this with all the theater I've seen. I saw Jersey Boys - it was fantastic. Evita - meh. Yeah I know but the lead actress sucked so it ruined it. FTRM - good, cute, phenomenal acting and singing. And maybe that's it...

I was briefly reading last entries. Most from last year... I posted some emo stuff but not a lot.. But just reading 2007 made my heart go blah. Thinking and reading stuff about 07 is more painful than reading stuff from eight years ago. I guess it was THAT bad. But I've matured and come to terms and let go of a lot of things from many years ago. With 2007, it's more of acceptance than letting go. Maybe they are on of the same, maybe they are different? But based on what I felt, it's still there. Not that that's bad or good... just an observation

I'm tired. I'm so over DJing by the way...

a couple tidbits

2008-02-13T06:04:31Z

I'm kind of upset I didn't go to Molly Malone's tonight. grrrrr

I went to bed at 10:34 last night and woke up at 9:45. GO MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

There are only some good things about living in the valley, one of them is gas under $3. Obviously, that's for the lowest grade but I paid $3.15 for premium and that's the first time in who knows how long.

California weather is really pissing me off. It used to be predictable and awesome. Now it's unpredictable and sucky. It's Feb and it's 80 degrees. Does that mean summer will be 110? Shoot me now.

I STILL can't believe I'm back in school. Reading and learning is stupid but the people I'm meeting are cool. However, I did develop this theory a while ago and school only validates it.. people who want to become psychologists are the ones with THE MOST issues. Not all but a lot.

ok I think I'm done?

px @ 2008-02-06T13:17:00

2008-02-06T21:21:11Z

yeah totally deleted that entry about me entertaining my mind having a chance. over it.

oh, and didnt go to sleep at all

px @ 2008-02-06T04:41:00

2008-02-06T12:55:13Z

how does an hour pass by so fast?
So I was getting... 5-6- possibly 7 hours of sleep at the most a night. that's good for me. I made the mistake of drinking coffee at 1am, that stuff never affects me and I rarely drink it... and when I got home, I was dead tired.

but here I am. It's like almost 8am on the east coast. what's the online lingo? *headdesk* or something.. I hate those stupid stars ******* only when I'm cussing but why would I censor that? Anyway. Guess what I did tonight. No really guess. Who am I talking to? no one reads this shit. God, why did I drink that damn coffee? Not only am I awake but I'm kind of jittery/energetic/something.

I have a story to share. Let me set up this story. No wait, I don't want to share it because it makes me look stupid. I could press delete but I don't want to.

this is retarded. like for reals for reals

px @ 2008-02-03T22:49:00

2008-02-04T06:52:48Z

I just saw "Hairspray" tonight... like the actual play. I guess this will become a reporting of all the plays I'm about to consume my time with. Anyways, it was good and humorous. Some of the actors, it seemed, were trying to hard. And in the movie when Motormouth Maybelle (that's her name right?) said that love is a whole lot of ugly with a never-ending parade of stupid, I almost peed my pants and i thought it was one of the best lines ever.

But, I don't know if it was the staging or the way the actress delivered it, but barely anyone laughed. Oh well. Good times though.

px @ 2008-02-03T01:49:00

2008-02-03T09:56:52Z

I saw "the color purple" play tonight and freakin michelle williams from destiny's child and latoya london from AI (who supposedly just goes by "london" know...excuseee me) were in the cast. and the main girl.... talk about amazing voices on one stage, like for reals.

it was a good play. it was really long though, but it was good. I'm getting season tickets to the ahmanson so I can to every play coming through there. gay theater geek much?

I would seriously go broke if I lived in nyc, between concerts and plays, hot damn. I already spend enough money with those two living in LA.

I can't wait to go to nyc to visit the fam. I miss themmmmmmmm. And so this really weird good mood I've been in, on the way back, maria and I totally blasted the Mariah Carey Daydream cd and drifted back to high school. I didn't know every song... one sweet day, fantasy, always be my baby (good memories with that song), open arms (who knew she covered that song? its awesome). yeah I'm cool.

did I say I can't wait til I see my family? I was reading that friday 5 about soulmates and I think I have mine... friends and family. Sometimes I think that's all I need, screw relationships. I'm not jaded. But the other day, I forget who I was talking to, they said that it's nice to know someone's there (like a girlfriend) and I said yeah... but my family and friends do that. I dunno.

ok i'm done

px @ 2008-02-01T01:29:00

2008-02-01T09:51:03Z

so dude. 2 entries ago? I wasn't aware I was on crack but apparently I definitely was and wrote things I never thought would see the light of day?

I think I'm back to normal.. haha. i still have my mondo crush though. who uses that word.. mondo.

sooooo like one of the main reasons i didn't go to nyu was because a certain person promised me a job here in what i wanna do. so fine, i'll stay. california is where i was born and raised but i'm not sure i call it my home home. my home is where my family is i have decided. plus you know how peeps keep saying that what'sherface from sex&the city has a love affair with nyc... what about my love affair? anyways, i love that stupid city.

so anyways, yeah dude, job is no longer there... and part of me is like not totally devastated cuz I've already got a couple mentors but I don't need to live in freakin california for that. I don't need to go to school here! My home base can be in NEW YORK DAMMIT. so blah. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

looking from the standpoint that i'm going to need start using like all the time, i guess i have unfinished business here... I don't know what it is yet... but like always, I'm sure it will present itself sooner or later. hopefully sooner so I don't drive myself insane.

ok i'm done being stupid and happy... only cuz it's weirding me out.

i'm thirsty

2008-01-27T10:19:11Z

sooooooooo all this rain makes my car shiny... I can tell it's shiny when it's in the garage drying off.

I really have nothing to say but I felt like writing something. I already wrote my spazmatic entry about life and gratitude. I think at this moment.... dare I say... my heart is really full right now. And it's so weird... I haven't seen my family in a while, I haven't seen my best friends in a while, I didn't all of a sudden fall in love with anyone and yet I feel really good.

Most of the time after I drink a lot, right before I crash, I get really emo internally and all these sad thoughts wiz through my head before my head goes blah and I go to sleep. This is when I'm at home and no one is around. This happened last night but it I didn't feel sadness with the emo thoughts. They were just thoughts.

I know none of this makes sense. And to think I wanted time to stop. I didn't want 2008 to come yet I wanted 2007 to disappear forever... I wanted to be in the middle, in limbo, which of course sucks way more.

I don't want this feeling to leave... this feeling of contentness. Is that a word? Anyways, I guess the moral of the story is that I should meet people who I admire more often. I would probably lose it and just be crying all the time.

I wonder who goes on the list? Hmmm.. it would be mostly, if not all, musicians... John Lennon would be on there.... Bono.... Dave Matthews maybe... I want to say Chris Martin from Coldplay but for whatever reason and maybe it's because I feel really detached from Coldplay since their last album... the original OBC of Rent... I actually think meeting the lead singer of Lifehouse would be cool... Brandon Boyd.... Kelly Clarkson (don't hate)... ALANIS!... Muse... Switchfoot.. .Gavin Rossdale.. Jeff Buckley if he were alive... who else?? Axel Rose? Steve Perry of Journey... Andrea Bocelli would be amazing. Oh, and composers... Hans Zimmer, Alan Silvestri, Ennio Mericone, John Williams, Danny Elfman, dude who composed the Poweder Theme Song...

I don't know who would be IT though... like I could die happy if I ever expressed my gratitude to them... hmmm ..

dude. this is like the longest one i've written. I'M GAY IN THIS ENTRY BTW

2008-01-25T09:27:36Z

I have officially labeled 2007 as "the year of suck." and not suck in a good way, suck in a bad way. actually, i've had a lot of years of suck... but those were beyond sucky... this was definitely sucky cuz... anyways if i keep using that word, i will not be able to continue writing because suck is a funny word if you keep saying it...

buttttttttttttttttt 2008 has been pretty damn spectacular. and it's not like i fell in love or anything... well i did, just not in the girlfriend sense... anyways, I have dubbed it "the year of gratitude" and hopefully, I can stay in this mode. i don't think i EXPRESS my gratitude towards things/people as much as i should. I do... and I Don't... and because i've been expressing it, i've been receiving back and its made january amazing. now this might be a revelation to a lot of people, but i knew it... it's obvious... you give and you receive... duh.

but i usually give in another way... through actions, and sometimes words. sometimes i feel words are not enough, and so i don't say them. if i tell some amazing chef that his/her cooking rocks, i'm sure they've heard it before... and so usually that would keep me from telling that chef that his food is awesome. but then i started to think.. and realized, if i was that chef... no matter how many times i've heard that my cooking rocks, it never gets old and always feels good and i would probably never let it truly sink in that my food makes tummies happy and people happy because it's overwhelming... and who knows when was the last time someone told that dude about his food...

okay this is getting way longer then i intended. so i dont remember what i last wrote about... maybe about meeting josh groban and idina menzel? anyways, I met them... it was pretty damn awesome. I talked to josh about various music stuff and I think I should have pimped my piano playing because that could have led somewhere but I didn't... ANYWAYS, I told him - as a joke - that I might be only straight guy willing to admit i listen to his music and he took that in stride and laughed.. and this conversation was actually way shorter than i am making it out to be, but i told him i truly appreciate his talent and that he was able to make music because his music has definitely helped me through some tough times and his music inspires me to just to write and be creative and do my own stuff...

so i'm kinda like rambling to him and i didnt wanna come across and weird but i was like OH WHAT THE FUCK, right so after i'm done, and i really didnt say THAT much but i would have never said shit like that to anyone, even like... john lennon. well maybe john lennon.. anyways, after i was done, he looked at me straight in the eyes, and i said thank you and how much he appreciates me saying that gave me a dude hug (and i say that cuz i've given real hugs to dudes) and repeated again how much he appreciates what i said and thanked me for being a fan (who does that?) ,and i think i could have cried and I had a gay moment with josh groban. HAHAHAHAH not really but kind of. maybe just a moment. I've had moments with dudes... like chandler/joey moments with sean and others but this was different... and I'm glad I got to tell him that and as I write this, I feel so weird.

OKAY DONE.

and then idina menzel. obviously, she doesnt have as much music out like the groban fellow but I did talk with her and being around her... first off, this woman is stunningly beautiful. but anyways, we talked about nyc and all that stuff and then I thanked her for being able to express her craft and that I really like her new stuff and once again, she inspires... and also i told her that i kinda saw her on tv here and there and kinda guessed she was a nice, cool person but meeting and talking with her in that moment showed that in general, she is just a beautiful, gracious, compassionate, humble person and being around that, star or no star, is so refreshing and nice...
AND SHE HUGGED ME. like A REAL HUG that lasted like a good couple seconds and i kissed her hand and she GUSHED. and SHE'S HOT BY THE WAY. and amazing. and kept saying thank you so much for saying that, and i forgot what else. i'll be her second husband.

so that was that. and then a friend of a friend of a friend knows eden espinosa, who played elphaba here in LA and so I met her as in VERY VERY briefly before her last show.... gorgeous by the way.

and then this friend of a friend of a friend dragged me to palm springs to watch her preform this showcase and she sang beautifully... like beyond gorgeous a bunch of songs, including joni mitchell and eva cassidy. i met met her after. told her i love her voice and... dude. i should have like flirted with her and tried to get a read on the whole if she's single... but i didnt. i was just being a nice "fan." stupid me. anyways, idina's married so eden is my new crush... like for reals. i already had a crush on her. but hot damn, she's nice and hot... and a latina girl! ora le!
oh and the point of all of that besides the hotness and crushness and the maybe i'll flirt with her next timeness even though she probably is datingish... i expressed the gratitude and she was awesome about it. and made me feel like i wanted to marry her in that very moment.

OKAY SO I am done. I love 2 women who i will never see again or have a chance with. that is the story of my life. i'm joking about being in love with by the way. well kind of. no Iam... kind of. no really, I am joking.

ALRIGHT... I almost didnt right this part because it's embarassing. like i posted this and decided i dont care, its MY JOURNAL AND I CAN CRY IF I WANT TO. Well I don't want to cry... it's another incident of gratitude. so I wrote my very first fan letter to Megan Hilty. Who is she you ask? Glinda in WIcked. Yes I know, hold your GOD DAMN COMMENTS AND DON'T JUDGE ME. I told her I was inspired to be the next Glinda the Good in Wicked... NO JUST KIDDING HAHA. I actually said that but then said just kidding. I told her I appreciated her craft and 2007 sucked and her acting let me escape. and her and eden rock the goddamn house.
and she wrote back. like a letter letter letter. i didnt even send the self addressed whatever you're supposed to send to get a reply. but she wrote back. SHE WROTE BACK. NEXT TIME I'M WRITING TO JUSTIN FREAKIN TIMBERLAKE.

and then there were lesser incidents of me expressing "gratitution" (name that musical!) to people i ACTUALLY KNOW but meh. just kidding. i am loving life right now because... I am loving people and they're loving me back.

i'm also on a broadway kick and might be gay for the rest of the year. i'm visiting my family in may and plan on seeing a bunch of plays. i really hate that i'm being streotypical but i honestly dont know straight dudes who are like... YAY BROADWAY AND JOSH GROBAN!

i love my family by the way... oh and i moved out, started school. its cool, its alright... its going to be work... and, i wish i could just play in the orchestra right now.

i love how i always want something else. grass in greener on the other side always.... dammit. ITS THE YEAR OF GRATITUDE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!

you'd think i had sugar or caffiene or something but no. I'M HIGH ON LIFE RIGHT NOW

px @ 2008-01-04T16:08:00

2008-01-05T00:16:33Z

I want to time to go on without me so I can catch up with myself. And then once I've done that, I can catch up with time (not as hard as catching up with yourself)... and breathe and just be like... okay, here I am again. And be good and be fine.

I think I figured out the source of my recent blah.... it's when I quit Torch. I know I'm going back to school and gonna do it that way and then get trained but that takes time... and I think when I had Torch, when everything else went wrong I had that in my back pocket... my purpose. I think when you're living your purpose, everything else falls into place... and when the pieces aren't falling, but you still are doing what you love, you feel like you belong in the world... even though other stuff may not be working out...

and I know I'm going in the right direction and I just get to trust myself that it's going to work out cuz I never saw myself taking this route, the "long route." And I'm incomplete. I feel incomplete. Like when you miss a step in your daily routine? That's how I feel. And it's not so much Torch but what I was doing... I just need this to stop... I want to catch my breath, I want it be okay again. I was doing so well... come back to me. I want myself to come back to me.

px @ 2008-01-03T21:46:00

2008-01-04T05:50:10Z

I was gonna say something like... I hope seeing Wicked three times doesn't make me gay. But that's a stupid ignorant statement and I was kidding but it's still stupid. Lately, like this year, labels people put on people have been bugging the shit out of me.

anways, I saw Wicked again. I've never cried watching this show but I did. I mean I guess I got emotional teary eyed, I wasn't like bawling or anything, but I was definitely touched. You know you have an amazing voice ( to say the least) when you can make a grown man cry. And the chick who played Elphie (she's gone now)... she's on my list. haha

anways, I'm moved and stuff. its weird.

px @ 2007-11-29T01:21:00

2007-11-29T09:29:00Z

I haven't felt this way in a long time. Last time I did, I almost want to say it was justified because I had lost everything and everyone I had known. This year... it was all internal. I'm 26. How do people magically know what they want to do or where they're going? Do most people just settle because they know it's what's expected... find a career, find a spouse, find the house, have kids, raise kids....

that's not even the point of all this, or of what i'm feeling... it's everything. i thought i was done feeling this way, that I had conquered these demons... but they crept on me this year... and I thought I could handle it. I did everything I knew to get myself out of it... and it didn't work. Did I fail? Did I just not know where to go?

I made an appointment for wednesday.... this will my first in four years i think.. possibly five maybe. I'm scared. But I need help. I want this year to be over. I want to go to sleep and wake up in 2008 and I want the rest of the world to keep going because I don't want time to pause, I want time to go on without me.

I keep having these thoughts in my head. I know better. These thoughts tell me that everything isn't worth it. Not the bad times, not the good times. I watch shows, I read books. Relationships make people crazy. Obviously, the good parts are good... and they fool us into thinking that's what life is about. What if it isn't what life is about... What if I found the secret... that it's about nothing. What if all the prophets and gods and saints and everyone... what if they are wrong that love is all it's about. These thoughts have me thinking that love is overrated and just makes people crazy. I get the depth of loving someone, unconidtional, awesome love... esp for family or close friends. but... then they have their own lives too

I realized this year that I'm alone, in the end. Other people have their own stuff to deal with... all I have is me... and what if...I don't want me?

px @ 2007-10-30T18:33:00

2007-10-31T01:34:45Z

CLIPPERS ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

man, with last season's stupidity and 5 months without them... I felt a part of me was missing. Hopefully, it will not be the same thing this season!

YAY

px @ 2007-09-29T22:16:00

2007-09-30T05:16:34Z

so based on my birthday, this year should be a really good year. I got everything I wanted :)

px @ 2007-09-22T23:39:00

2007-09-23T06:40:42Z

I'm really tired

I just got home from a long day... Serendipity is on tv and Kate Beckinsale is so pretty

and I don't think you can see Cassiopia from New York

px @ 2007-09-21T23:03:00

2007-09-22T06:13:40Z

So I have to admit, that no matter how many times I watch Forrest Gump, I always cry. Always always. And I wish it was like teary eyed but no, it's tears. I think it's one of... four movies? that can do that... What Dreams May Come, Life as a House are shoe-ins. And Moulin Rouge and Powder are more often then not but not all the time. So.. I'd usually say I'm a girl. But I guess guys have to cry sometime... my times are through those movies.
Anyways, moving on...
My birthday is in almost four days. For a while, I haven't been very excited about my birthday and haven't really done anything exciting. I guess last year was cool because I was in Hawaii, but it was still low key. This year was really tough for me. I guess I say that a lot but this year was a different tough. A lot of soul searching, a lot of time alone with my thoughts... I ran the gammet on every emotion... So I figured if I do something different, things will change... well duh. So I've decided to actually celebrate my birthday this year. I think I'm doing something every night except Monday... which is good.... I want sex for my birthday. And.. if it's to be, it's up to me. Heh

The other day, I took action on deciding my career. It felt wonderful. I wanted to write about it and then I just didn't. Sitting on my ass got really old. I was very tired of my thoughts... I was tired of being forehead deep in my quarter life crisis.... so I'm happy. I might get my Master's... I think I said that at the beginning of the year but that was inspired because of a girl... Now, I'm doing it for myself.

My triathlon is also next weekend. Almost 8 days away... I think I'm excited. It's not that bad... It should be fun. And I found out some of my family is flying in just for me... which makes me extremely happy. And Sean & Andrea are coming... I didn't even ask them to. I didn't ask anyone too. I didn't really invite anyone. I thought Maria was going to show up but she won't be around... and it's early and far away so I just didn't want to ask... But I didn't need to... and it feels good to be loved.

Life is turning up right now and going in a direction I like, that I want, that is good.... Here's to my 26th year.

px @ 2007-08-24T00:34:00

2007-08-24T07:34:43Z

what I want for my birthday is to be healed
what I want for my birthday is to be whole again
what I want for my birthday is a new heart
what I want for my birthday is to be who I was when I was a kid
what I want for my birthday is to be unbroken
what I want for my birthday is clarity
what I want for my birthday is/are answers
what I want for my birthday is peace
what I want for my birthday is a future
what I want for my birthday is choosing something different
what I want for my birthday is to want new things

I don't know how this will turn out

2007-08-22T19:40:45Z

I need to stop running away from myself. I am 25, almost 26, and where am I? I've realized I've given up on so many of the dreams I used to have.... and I am right back where I started because of that. As much as I want to deny it, I let myself be almost paralyzed by fear.... Fear of everything. And that doesn't get me anywhere either..

I think I can count on one hand the number of people who really know me... I'm not that hard to read actually but I can hide pretty well. It used to be a favorite past time of mine, hiding.... Ever since the trainings, I have obviously learned that hiding is well, retarded.... yet people don't really change, and I always keep coming back to what I've come instead of who I am... Fear once again...

How do you know you're good at something? Is it out of hard work? Is it because you are just naturally good at something and you just know.... is it a choice?

Out of the number of people who truly know me, two of them are transformational trainers/life coach people who I am friends with. And because they read people for a living, I am pretty much an open book to them... Anyways, one of them, Sylvia, is probably one of the most awesomest people on the face of the planet. She's older and has five sons and considers me one of them. I love her and she loves me. Anyways, I took her to the airport the other day and of course, we started talking about my life... and how i'm stuck... and how it sucks... and she says... well, can I be honest with you? (sure) ... you look heartbroken.

and we're sitting in freakin starbucks, and only she can make people cry on the drop of a dime. Which I almost did, but I held back and I said.... well I guess I have always kind of been for over ten years... and I said, I do my best not to let it rule me but it happens.... and she said.... you need to find your passion and your joy again... you were doing Torch and I could tell you were happy and filled to the top because you were doing what you love.... It's good that you left but it's also sad that you left... you have a gift with people, do you realize that? You belong with people, and you are supposed to be making a difference with them. Do you know that? Music, I know, is your passion as well, but you can do both... and this is bigger than you.. have you ever thought of becoming a trainer?

well sure.... everyone has.... I'm sure you hear that all the time... It used to be my primary focus, I mean I got a degree in psychology thinking it was what I was going to do.... but now, I don't know...

I understand. But you have a gift. The way you are with people, you take up no space and yet you make the biggest difference. think about it.

I hate when people put ideas into my head. This conversation has been running in my head for the past couple days and... I have to let the fear stop because I will be here for the rest of my life if I don't... This choice... making this choice again.... it will take full dedication and commitment from me, which is fine... it's what I love ultimately.... How do you know when something is your calling? What if I'm wrong? I love it... but doesn't mean I'm good at it... people say I am good... but what about what I say?? How do you know??

well I looked my demons in the eyes
lay bare my chest
said do your best
to destroy me
I've been to hell and back
so many times
I must admit
you kinda bore me
there's a lot of things
that can kill a man
there's a lot of ways
to die
yes, and some already did
and walk beside me
there's a lot of things
I don't understand
so many people lie
it's the hurt I hide that fuels
the fire inside me
Will I always feel this way
so empty 
so estranged?

px @ 2007-08-13T13:36:00

2007-08-13T20:38:33Z

sometimes I wish emotions didn't exist... like all of them, not just the bad ones. of course good ones are really good but why even bother... i wish i was just a robot who didn't feel and who didn't know the difference... i wish an alien would come an invade my body... the new movie is really bad by the way

i know all of that sounds incredibly stupid and i'll regret saying that when i'm in a better mood but that's how i feel right now