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Hello

So I know no one reads this anymore, but that's okay because having a place just to write was my original intention. Plus, this is almost some weird time capsule. I just re-read some old entries, and besides my ego being totally embarrassed about how pathetic I was... It takes me back. A lot of those memories I don't like to revisit, but I can't help it... Especially with music. I have definitely realized the soundtrack of my life. There's so many songs that I can listen to that can instantly transport me back to the moment and all the feelings of that moment come rushing back. Even if I've totally moved on, it's been years and years... it's like magic.

I really love the holidays and I really can hate them at the same time. I love them because of what they represent and I love spending time with my family... I've spent a lot of time with my family this year and it's felt so good, it's the closest thing I've got to "coming home." And then it makes this time of the year bittersweet. Because it has me miss my parents that much more. I'm not sure how to ever move on from those feelings. Or if I want to? Sometimes there are moments where I think I am forgetting them, the sound of the voice, the way they looked when I last saw them live in person, and every time I look at their picture I really pray and hope inside that I am not losing them. And then I curse myself for "forgetting." And then there are moments, where they almost feel like they're next to me. Maybe they are. And then I am filled with love or gratitude or remembrance and then sadness because they're actually... not there. And then I feel grateful that I have my family, that I have something. I really think that if I never found them, I wouldn't be alive. And also reminded of how single I am. I usually don't care. It's also a very clear choice. It's quite annoying to be the object of being set up by everyone!!! I'm not a pathetic loser who can't get chicks. I just... don't want to most of the times. Love? Seriously? That's where my mind goes. It's such work. Yes I know it really doesn't have to be... but I'm clear. I haven't even closed the doors of love past... I'm also clear on that. Maybe I don't want to. But regardless, I can't be in any sort of relationship present if I haven't cleared off the table. Companionship? I have my dog.

I came back to Texas early, thought I'd do something different. Not sure why because here I am.... writing on my computer. I usually stay through the new year.... ??

I also am committed to reconnecting with my half bro and sis and their dad. I know 2013 is the year to do it. I was mad at him for so long, but that's petty. and they're family... and not sure if he likes me or I just made that up cuz I was young, angry and .... beyond logic. I haven't seem them in so long. i wonder what they look like. I wonder if they look like my mom. I am older and wiser (ha)... and holding on to crap doesn't work for me anymore. They live in San Diego. I'm also leaving Texas this year. Texas has been some sort of learning experience. and Lonely in a different way.... and the South... South isn't for me. I am west coast or east coast yuppie hippie i guess. Are those hipsters? I am not a hipster.

I just read about this dream I had back in 2007. Re-reading it brings it back, wow what a powerful dream. It's no wonder I had to document it... and I still remember the jist of it.. My parents, forgiving, and Kelly. weird.

I feel in my gut that 2013 will be a transitional year... Professionally and personally. Professionally, yes, I'm good at accounting (who'd ever thunk by the way?) and taxes, and it's good income but it's not my passion. I fell into it "by accident" and I'm good with people. It's not my passion and it's not going to continually get me out of bed each morning. Working with people, supporting people, coaching people, leadership, personal development... That's what has me light up. I've been knocked down, dragged around, fought and kick and got up again and again... I've paid my dues. It's time to elevate myself professionally to the next level. Personally - well moving. Where? I'm not sure, but I trust it will all unfold. And I get to go back to music. That lights me up inside too. That was the start of this post too... I don't know what that will look like but I know it involves other people because playing on my own is lonely. 2013 will be a year of connection.... starting with my family.

I've had many years catching up with myself, cleaning myself off... I know I will always have moments that will bring be back to my past in a second, but I'm here, aren't I? I've seriously risen through the ashes. I don't declare myself "there" yet - even though there is technically no where to go. I know I've only just begun. I have a lot of things that I get to accomplish before I can say - yeah I was "there" - and now i can go to my next "there." So we'll see.... 2013, be kind... be challenging and kind. I guess that will be for myself too.

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