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Dec. 27th, 2012

"Yeah who am I? Just a kid who knows he's needy"


So I know no one reads this anymore, but that's okay because having a place just to write was my original intention. Plus, this is almost some weird time capsule. I just re-read some old entries, and besides my ego being totally embarrassed about how pathetic I was... It takes me back. A lot of those memories I don't like to revisit, but I can't help it... Especially with music. I have definitely realized the soundtrack of my life. There's so many songs that I can listen to that can instantly transport me back to the moment and all the feelings of that moment come rushing back. Even if I've totally moved on, it's been years and years... it's like magic.

I really love the holidays and I really can hate them at the same time. I love them because of what they represent and I love spending time with my family... I've spent a lot of time with my family this year and it's felt so good, it's the closest thing I've got to "coming home." And then it makes this time of the year bittersweet. Because it has me miss my parents that much more. I'm not sure how to ever move on from those feelings. Or if I want to? Sometimes there are moments where I think I am forgetting them, the sound of the voice, the way they looked when I last saw them live in person, and every time I look at their picture I really pray and hope inside that I am not losing them. And then I curse myself for "forgetting." And then there are moments, where they almost feel like they're next to me. Maybe they are. And then I am filled with love or gratitude or remembrance and then sadness because they're actually... not there. And then I feel grateful that I have my family, that I have something. I really think that if I never found them, I wouldn't be alive. And also reminded of how single I am. I usually don't care. It's also a very clear choice. It's quite annoying to be the object of being set up by everyone!!! I'm not a pathetic loser who can't get chicks. I just... don't want to most of the times. Love? Seriously? That's where my mind goes. It's such work. Yes I know it really doesn't have to be... but I'm clear. I haven't even closed the doors of love past... I'm also clear on that. Maybe I don't want to. But regardless, I can't be in any sort of relationship present if I haven't cleared off the table. Companionship? I have my dog.

I came back to Texas early, thought I'd do something different. Not sure why because here I am.... writing on my computer. I usually stay through the new year.... ??

I also am committed to reconnecting with my half bro and sis and their dad. I know 2013 is the year to do it. I was mad at him for so long, but that's petty. and they're family... and not sure if he likes me or I just made that up cuz I was young, angry and .... beyond logic. I haven't seem them in so long. i wonder what they look like. I wonder if they look like my mom. I am older and wiser (ha)... and holding on to crap doesn't work for me anymore. They live in San Diego. I'm also leaving Texas this year. Texas has been some sort of learning experience. and Lonely in a different way.... and the South... South isn't for me. I am west coast or east coast yuppie hippie i guess. Are those hipsters? I am not a hipster.

I just read about this dream I had back in 2007. Re-reading it brings it back, wow what a powerful dream. It's no wonder I had to document it... and I still remember the jist of it.. My parents, forgiving, and Kelly. weird.

I feel in my gut that 2013 will be a transitional year... Professionally and personally. Professionally, yes, I'm good at accounting (who'd ever thunk by the way?) and taxes, and it's good income but it's not my passion. I fell into it "by accident" and I'm good with people. It's not my passion and it's not going to continually get me out of bed each morning. Working with people, supporting people, coaching people, leadership, personal development... That's what has me light up. I've been knocked down, dragged around, fought and kick and got up again and again... I've paid my dues. It's time to elevate myself professionally to the next level. Personally - well moving. Where? I'm not sure, but I trust it will all unfold. And I get to go back to music. That lights me up inside too. That was the start of this post too... I don't know what that will look like but I know it involves other people because playing on my own is lonely. 2013 will be a year of connection.... starting with my family.

I've had many years catching up with myself, cleaning myself off... I know I will always have moments that will bring be back to my past in a second, but I'm here, aren't I? I've seriously risen through the ashes. I don't declare myself "there" yet - even though there is technically no where to go. I know I've only just begun. I have a lot of things that I get to accomplish before I can say - yeah I was "there" - and now i can go to my next "there." So we'll see.... 2013, be kind... be challenging and kind. I guess that will be for myself too.
stuck in new york.

my first hurricane.

this shit is crazy.

other than that, my trip was amazing.

Aug. 15th, 2012

They call her Mississippi
But she don't flow to me
Spends her light on the Bayou
But she don't come to see
She's the one that makes my dreams

They call her Mississippi
But she don't flow to me
The shape of her horizon
Makes the morning sun
When she puts her eyes on each and anyone
She's the one that makes me fall
Midnight moon shines through it all

She's the one that makes me fall
Midnight moon shines through it all
She's the one that makes my dreams T
hey call her Mississippi
But she don't flow to me
They call her Mississippi
But she don't flow to me
Not sure if I feel dirty or not for having a crush on the 18 year old gymnast on the US team.

Jun. 25th, 2012

On Saturday, I went to a Coldplay concert. I had no expectations... I hadn't been since 2005, and when I went back then, I went out of loyalty, because I really disliked X&Y album.... And I can't remember the concert being that great even though I said I did and said it was the best... Anyway. Listening to the songs, was like taking a journey through the last 11-12 years of my life... It was the soundtrack. I hadn't realized that Coldplay had been the essential soundtrack of my life as many songs make up my life and the experiences, situations, and emotions, but shit. It seemed like it was a spiritual experience. Maybe the beer helped, maybe what was running through my mind made me very present to what the songs brought up for me... but wow, I hadn't expected the range of emotions I experienced to be so present. Also, my relationship with Coldplay... going from the band who kept me sane at night and kept me living at times, to feeling so disconnected from them and jumping ship when everyone was jumping on, and yet feeling a betrayal to my true self, to finding them once again, to reuniting with my love for them... Does this all sound weird? Like how could I have such a relationship with just a band? But I think it's more than that. As I write this, I feel that relationship is just a reflection of myself, of other relationships in my life and my journey... 

As I write this, I find myself judging my words and my truth, and wanting to edit, and wanting to show a different image to the world. What world? Anyway... it's a noticing but I am keeping true... 

My chest is heavy, I listen to Coldplay, and the words seem heavy... and I continue... 

Apr. 19th, 2012

I finally took a nap. A 2 day one. well with a couple breaks of being awake. It felt really good.. It takes a little adjustment from being insanely busy to... not. And then I'm left alone with my thoughts... and dreams... since right now, i'm in between dreams... naps... I used to not be able to sleep... and then came a point where i grew up and I was too busy to sleep... and now naps, are so good. And by naps, i mean really long catchup of 80 hour work weeks.

Anyway... I think I'm going to wish Texas farewell towards the end of 2013... and go to new york... and finally, just be with my family. It's a ways away but Texas isn't worth it for me to start anything here. I'm not sure if I ever shared that I lost my ipod sometime last year. I cherished that thing. It sounds weird but it was a memory lane and log of my music... I took pride in my playlists... memories of what I was going through when I made them... and now it feels like I have no memories. Some people have their memories in pictures... and mine, in music. and I have searched my hard drives high and low for some recollection of those songs, playlists and memories and I find bits and pieces but not enough... and I'm sad about it.

Anyway.. back to naps...

...for all I know
you're just a thought across my mind
what I wouldn't give
to live that thought of mine

Mar. 10th, 2012

when i was young, my mom would sing to me... there was this one song that she would always sing to me... Donna Lewis... I love you always forever, mainly the chorus and the second verse... Now days, even the first verse makes sense. Whenever I hear it... like clockwork, i'm transported. It's like she's there next to me singing. sometimes i think when it pops up randomally, she is saying hi.

listening to my random but tailored pandora station - mainly indie, guitar driven, emo (but not really) stuff - a Donna Lewis song came on - called Silent World............

If I could put you, on top of a cake I would ice you and keep you,
Wrapped up in a box to be
Near you if I could I would

If I could touch you, again with my fingers so gently if I could
Feel you, breathing in time next to
Me but the silence surrounds me, flashing memories of you, riding
With the moon that night. I
Never had the chance to say goodbye goodbye

Lost, forever, lost to another world
Gone, forever, but remembered in our thoughts
You are
If I could open, the heavens above I'd be with you if I could hold
You, again in my arms I would
Tell you that

I love you

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